A VIDEO

I should probably start listening to this song daily.

A VIDEO

Just ‘cause they call themselves friends, doesn’t mean that they’ll call.

A TEXT POST

I am so unhappy. And, I don’t know how to fix it. Literally every time I am alone, and sad, and lamenting in my unhappiness, I come back to thoughts of you. I start looking at your band facebook page, which ends in me getting drunk by myself and listening to your bandcamp songs about me. Particularly, the one of the night you got me drunk at a “party” at your house, and had sex with me. I also re-read the e-mails we most recently exchanged today… That kind of brought up all my feelings. I’m glad I said what I said to you, but I still have this like empty space in my soul… and I know I frequently ignore it… but it’s missing you… and I’m sure that isn’t at all healthy, but I can’t seem to shake it. I did manage to recognize that if I sit down, and keep listening to that particular song, that I would not study for my finals, and would practice alcoholic behaviors….so I stopped myself. Now, I am going to attempt to walk around my not-so-safe apartment complex, listening to songs that you didn’t write, and hope that gives me some sort of relief that I can’t find at the bottom of my cabernet merlot. 

A TEXT POST

Fear

Today, I noticed how damaged I actually am. I’m not always aware of how things have affected me, but today I have been. Sitting in my favorite philosophy class, I chose a spot in the back. I sat next to someone who I viewed as terrifying. Three years ago, I would have viewed him as a person…like anyone else. In my reality today, he looks like a monster. He has large glasses, long stringy orange hair, and a long, orange beard. He always seems so unkempt. He also stares at me during most classes. He fucking terrifies me. Today during class, all I could picture was what he thought of me. What he was thinking about when he was staring at me. I had this motion picture playing through my imagination of what he would do to me if he had the chance. I had about one graphic thought of him caressing me, and then I stopped. My mind went blank. I switched onto the next thought.
Next, I thought about how I never think about sex anymore. I don’t think about me having sex, or other people having sex, or anything at all having to do with sex… unless it has to do with someone taking advantage of another person.
I know I haven’t been reading my book about sexual healing for survivors of sexual assault, but I really don’t think I should feel THIS lonely and non-sexual. I have no sexual feelings toward anyone. It’s awful. I want nothing more than to want someone, and to enjoy the feeling of hugs, and touch, and everything having to do with sex. Currently, I just have no feelings toward sex. I don’t think about it, and I don’t want either. I’m still not sure why. I guess I have some meditating to do, though it seems impossible to do that while also living with my current boyfriend. He makes it impossible for me to be alone with my thoughts, or even to just get into my own head. He is very self-centered, and mostly just wants to constantly be arguing with me. It’s like I’m living in the hell my rapists have created, without any clear or feasible vision to escape. Every day is lackluster and boring. Every person I meet is uninteresting, and non-sexual to me. Everyone is a predator. I have no friends, I have no enemies. I have nothing. I am nothing.

A TEXT POST

When I was with you, I felt as though I was living in a romantic comedy. Everything always seemed so perfect, even during the bad times. Now, I’m living with so much unhappiness, and I’m not sure of my capability of living the romantic comedy out every again. With you, or with anyone. Or, if there’s something about living in that romantic atmosphere that sparks that feeling, that leads TO the feeling of being in a romantic comedy, and I just don’t have anyone sparking that feeling in me anymore, and that’s where the unhappiness springs from. 

A TEXT POST

Every emotion should be experienced in its entirety. Not rushed, or slowed, or suppressed. It seems best to face them head on, with an emphasis on a higher being perspective. Analyze it, educate yourself, on yourself. Be all-knowing in respect to your character. It’s useless to live without these mental exercises. Living life without much individualized thought seems to be useless. What good is it to know all that I have seen, without knowing how I feel about it?

A PHOTO

theswinginsixties:

Andy Warhol and Group, October 1969.  Photo by Richard Avedon.

Reblogged from The Swinging Sixties